When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
