I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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