I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I need a beard to bite.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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