I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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