I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize