Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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