Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
