worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
