wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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