He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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