I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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