my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
