Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hippo gnu deer
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
