he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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