Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize