Someone shit on the floor
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's shark week go big or go home
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
