Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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