thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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