I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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