my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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