I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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