If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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