I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
