i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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