I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so let's talk penis.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
