My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
