im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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