are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
