I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
