Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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