Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I came so hard my ears popped.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
