she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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