I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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