Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize