it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
