Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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