don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
