im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
