explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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