i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
