My Higher Power is John Stamos
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
