Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
