yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
