you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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