Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
