I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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