I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
