Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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