Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
