Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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