ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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