you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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