he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
