I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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