There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
