I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
