Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
