So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
