even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
