dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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