Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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