You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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